YOU are responsible for your own experience.
Whatever you feel or think about another person is a mirror of where you are.
If someone does something that upsets you, you are responsible for your feelings of being upset.
This applies to most things save perhaps acts of violence.
Likewise,when you feel satisfied with something someone did, you are responsible for that too.
The other person does not “make” you happy.
Likewise, he or she does not “make” you upset.
Presence is the prize.
The on ly t ime a relationship really works is when both people are in the here and now.
If your mind is on something else, you cannot make authentic contact.
Presence is a prerequisite for great passion.
It was an employee engagement programme and I was talking about “passion.” Very quickly someone in the audience asked, “What does the management want from us now? Are our jobs at stake if we don’t perform? Only awhile ago the management was threatening to cut jobs and now we are talking about passion?” I’m guessing you feel suspicious and insecure here, I said, addressing this particular manager directly.
What does your job mean to you? How does it benefit you? The more meaning you give it, the more engaged you’d be — because one is naturally more passionate about things that are important to them, aren’t they? (Notice my emphasis on Self).
“My job is fine but what the boss says, we must do,” the manager replied.
He crossed his hands over his chest.
It sounds like there’s no choice.
Nobody likes feeling trapped.
Nobody likes feeling forced.
Who’sforcingyou,Iasked the room.
Who have you chosentogiveyourpower away to? Silence.
Now t h a t we’ ve been talking, what do you realise about engagement ? I t ’ s personal, isn’t it? Whose choice is it—to engage, or not? Every time I include you, reach out and connect with you, listen to you—especially about something that means something to you, we engage more and more.
I can see it in many of you — your eyes light up and dance with mine.
I feel your willingness; I can sense an eagerness to receive what I say.
In many ways we are communicating at an energetic level; no words need be spoken for us to know where we are with each other.
And yet you know, don’t you, what needs to be said so that we can fully BE with each other here and now — no games, no ulterior motives, no masks? And it’s not always what “the management” wants, but what we will allow for ourselves? We are responsible for co-creating our moment-to-moment experiences.
How much joy do you want to let into your lives? (Yes right now).
How much play and discovery? It also appears as though some important things need to be handled before engagement and passion can flow.
Things like checking for understanding and acceptance (for the subject being spoken and the outcomes expected).
Things like being complete about past breakdowns and letting go of old grudges.
Otherwise disappointment, anger, and un-forgiveness just get in theway.Assumingeveryoneonboard could be interpreted as discounting what’s important.
No presence, no engagement.
No engagement, forget passion.
If we can’t be present enough to share deep meaning, connect and commit, I daresay what we’re left with would be fake and phony.
How to fuel an organisation’s progress with that kind of impotence? We couldn’t even start the ignition leave alone drive the vision and mission.
When we know that wisdom, passion, inspiration, creativity, and happiness are by-products, that is they are the result of a few things fusing together, it’s a no-brainer that the fundamentals need to be organised before peak performance can take place.
A close relative is motivation.
How much can we motivate others? At best we can influence.
Like teaching a man to fish, wouldn’t it be more empowering if we enabled them to develop and recognise these gifts within themselves? Then at least there’d be ownership.
MY motives.” So much more powerful than, “The management made me do it.” In the grand scheme of things, what’s this all about anyway? Why bother? There you are.
Here am I.
Now what? So what? Then what? Something deep inside of us is driving us to be our best.
And so we are doing just that—one conversation at a time.
PROBLEMS WITH ‘EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE’
Q: My boss just won’t look at details.
What’s good about him is that he thinks positively and in broad strokes.
Everything is possible — until we have the details in front of us, and then the picture doesn’t look so good afterall. As is right hand I know the mis-use of resources.Howd o I tell him that we’ve been in the red for a while now?
A: Okay, there are severa l assumptions in your brief: (1) Your boss acknowledges there’s a problem with over-use / overspending (2) The definition of mis-use (as there are stages in business i.e. R&D where no income is generated).
I hear you when you say your boss won’t look at details.
When especially, would looking at the details really be helpful for him - all the time, or at certain times? Your boss has been nurtured to think in broad strokes — that’s his style of thinking and it’s probably working for him in many ways.
A leader is expected to be a conceptual thinker, someone with a vision, and the ability to enrol his people into his ideas.
Not all of us can perform at both ends of the continuum, vision and detail,andperhapsthat’swhereyou come in.
This is where you can add value — by providing the content, procedure, and consequences.
You asked the question, “How do I tell him,” which suggests you haven’t.
What’s your real question? As you’re asking me, what comes up for you? I am hearing (1) Your boss may not like to hear it (2) It may not be appropriate to raise the question in the first place.
Back to basics: What do you want from this? What’s in it for you? What’s important about that? Knowing that, what will you commit to?
Q: I belong to a group of women and we get together now and then and especially when one of us has an important occasion.
It’s like a supportgroupandI’mgratefulfor the friendship among the two to three dozen odd girls.
Several in the group consider themselves leaders and try to boss us around.
Does my resisting them mean I’m arrogant and stubborn?
A: Where is this question coming from? How do you feel about those in the group “trying to boss you around?” I hear you’re resisting.
And now you’re asking if resisting means you’re arrogant and stubborn.
What else could it mean? There is a request or expectation somewhere.
There is a preference.
You’d rather these women not be bossy.
You’d prefer equality but somehow this isn’t the case.
There you are imagining a situation where everyone is on par; lo and behold, someone out there is directing the show!And this triggers the emotion of ___________ in you.
Now I’m wondering whether you’re more uncomfortable with them being bossy or that it might mean you’re arrogant and stubborn.
Where’s your emphasis? That people behave a certain way — it’s their stuff.
They behave from how they believe.
And there’s alwaysagoodintentionbehindthere somewhere.
When their beliefs don’t align with our own, that’s when there’s friction.
That’s when there’s pain.
How do we overcome? By accepting that people are different.
That people are entitled to their beliefs and principles.
By celebrating our differences.
By practising tolerance.
By being curious and playful — being open to fun and adventure — wondering where the journey will take us! Byremembering we are the magician and the magic; we can create anything we want. TESSIE LIM - NST Lifestyle 7 SEPTEMBER 2014 @ 12:57 PM