IN the ragtag opposition pact that used to be Pakatan Rakyat, who among the threesome of Larry, Moe and Curly, err... Pas, DAP and PKR would always whine about getting whacked, thumped and poked by one or the other?
That's easy. That would be Pas getting beat up senseless. Nope, DAP regularly gets a royal shellacking but hang on, PKR is always hit up, down, front and back.
After nomination day, the three parties unnerved each other in the silliest of political slapsticks resembling those violently goofy characters from the comedy films of the 1930s.
Pas resembles Larry perhaps, getting a pugnacious poke from Moe, a calculating type resembling DAP's cynical cunning while PKR might be Curly, always the brunt of sadistic thumps from Moe and Larry.
Who resembles who of the insane trio is irrelevant: they are interchangeable; depending on who gets bashed, poked and thumped on any given day but the outcome is the same specious chunk of overexaggerated hysteria.
A cosy alliance, you say? Try this: "unethically close and friendly but for mutually beneficial or underhanded purposes" as one dictionary definition eerily fits the axis to a tee.
To understand how three disparate ideologues get along, try also this: Pas badly wants to set up federal Islamic state to execute syariah and hudud laws but is vehemently opposed by DAP which zealously pushes a Malaysian first charter to shield its ethnocentric prejudices while swallowing PKR's bluster to fight corruption, the very thing its de facto leader -- who has a fixation on the premiership -- is guilty as charged.
Hard to make sense? Now try this for size:
DAP is exactly why George Orwell wrote Animal Farm, that all members are free to vote for party leaders as long as it is Lim Kit Siang and Lim Guan Eng, predominated by a single race only. It had to happen: its dodgy central executive committee election is now under official probe;
PAS, or at least what their infirm spiritual leader affirms, breaks a promise that non-Muslims are unaffected by their totalitarian version of hudud while executing outlandish edicts of Umno as infidels despite the same racial, religious and cultural roots; and,
PKR, or at least when mirroring Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, is a walking paradox of ironies: as an "untouchable" deputy prime minister, he controlled the media, was and still is a darling of some foreign quarters and had extended government largesse to family and friends, but decries these perks as evil if rivals get it.
How's this for low class: DAP chairman Karpal Singh and Pas deputy president Mohamed Sabu were willing to lick back the spittle they spat at Anwar for his alleged sexual adventures, the former became his lawyer in the sodomy cases while the latter became his BFF after Anwar unified the opposition cohesively for the 2008 electoral gains.
But ignored hypocrisies cannot be written off: they inevitably ate into the axis' so-called unified code that led to a psychological collapse that had to happen now during the GE13 hustings.
Here's DAP's unerring basic instinct to attack the establishment: previously, it was the police and the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission, now a theatrically slanderous attack against the Registrar of Societies for a non-existent ruling that they cannot contest under the rocket and the preposterous idea of running on a Pas ticket, rebuffed by a major rebellion of dissident members.
The PKR's schizophrenic candidate selection process infuriated members so much that some members closed shop and ran as independents.
And the latest: Pas president Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang's stinging rants against PKR ineptitude for clashing with Pas in seven seats festooned with drug dealers, communist sympathisers, "devils" and troublemakers as candidates.
PKR has yet to articulate on Hadi's histrionics, reminiscent of his 1981 fatwa against Umno that triggered a generation's worth of fatal religious enmity in the Malay heartland.
The hypocrisies are so thick that the repulsion of being near these types is tolerated because of the common hostility towards Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak.
Have any of these axis types ever been psychoanalysed for their hypocrisies? Inquiries are dismissed as trivialities but mouthed off flippantly in an unbearable manifesto.
What about Guan Eng's quixotic remark that Christians must be allowed to use "Allah" in their sermons and Bibles? He vamoosed just as his remarks broke Pas in two -- the leadership placed an endorsement that was reviled by party theologians while PKR played dumb.
The crises invented by the axis can provide reams of data to write triple theses in political crisis management -- monkeyed, instigated and advised by the Three Stooges.
Azmi Anshar | firstname.lastname@example.org New Straits Times Online Columnists Thursday, April 25, 2013